I’m angry with my 22 year-old self. She was aimless and flippantly said things like “it will all work out somehow.” I bitterly ask her what the HOW part of ‘somehow’ was. She would daydream in her music business classes and ignore songwriting for other petty projects that sidetracked her. I want to scream at her, “what were you thinking!?” I’ve imagined an unhealthy amount of times how it could have been if she hadn’t wasted so many precious years.
“Youth is wasted on the young” – George Bernard Shaw
I haven’t been able to forgive that lost 22-year old girl yet. This game of mental torment is a poor placeholder for forgiveness, but I keep coming back to it. I bang my head against the fact that I can’t go back and do things differently. It’s a familiar story – I’m sure many of you can relate.
I spent my younger years being clueless in my music career endeavors. I regret this tremendously. I stayed in relationships that were not conducive to pursuing making a living with my music. I maintained the belief that it would all fall into my lap. I chose to pointlessly drink with friends at the bar more nights than I stayed home to work on songwriting.
If you ever argue with yourself to no avail, if you’ve found yourself defending your regrets and obsessing over your loses, if you can’t stop seeing life as a series of mazes and dead ends, then this song, “Endless,” is for you.
I wrote “Endless” as a sort of letter to myself. Through the writing process, I acknowledge my hurt, even though it is self-inflicted. I assure myself in full conviction that my Spirit extends much further than the narrow field I draw myself into. I tell myself that I am Endless, so I shouldn’t stop here, much less wallow in a pity party.
As of right now, the pity parties still happen once in awhile. Last Friday I found myself stifling tears in the corner of the bathroom stall at Jed’s Sports Bar and Grille in Nashville.
I’ve been going there every week to play and get my music out there, but still, my negative thoughts were on repeat (…I’ve wasted so much time, so much TIME, all gone, wasted, wasted, WASTED! )
I went back to my seat to find my fiancé, Jonathan, who knows I struggle with this regret. I am thankful for having someone like Jonathan in my life to remind me that my thoughts are hurtful to myself. To remind me that I lead a good life, and that everything is as it should be. It takes a lot of reminding, but I do believe this. When I sing “Endless,” not only am I singing it for the audience but for myself.
(FYI: The recording of “Endless” included in this blog post is an un-finalized version I’m making for my new EP entitled “The Shy Gemini Sessions.” I’m shooting to be finished with the project early 2014).